jen groeber: mama art

4 kids in 3 years: reflections on motherhood, art and life.

If I Wrote a Food Blog, Dreams of a Stay-at-Home Mom

If I wrote a food blog, it’d only have one page,

A single recipe that would take center stage.

Single moms would use it, grannies on the go,

nursing moms and professionals, running to and fro.

Even dads would love it, especially the man-clog kind.

It’d be pure genius, I can see it in my mind.


People would start pinning, and pining for the trick.

It’d be shared on Facebook so much it’d make you sick.

It’d be bigger than cute kittens or Blunt Cards for the masses,

Bigger than Charlie Bit Me and other Youtube disasters.

I’d get a bit embarrassed, as I humbly acknowledged,

It’s nothing that my mother taught me or I learned in college.

Or at least that’s what I’d say when Ellen had me on.

I’d dance across her stage to some pseudo-hip-hop song.

I’d show pictures of my family, I’d bring a little gift!

She’d say, “Portia loved the recipe, it gave us both a lift.”

I’d be like, “No! You are GREAT, cool and funny, too!

And now you model for moisturizer? I’m cool? Look at you!”

and she’d be like, “No look at YOU! You’re the BOMB!

And you’re so HOT, too! What a SUPER MOM!”


And I’d get a book deal off that one page that I posted.

I’d be so rich and famous, with Cristal I’d be getting toasted.

I’d be riding in limos, getting Botox in my face,

I’d be the guest on CNN shows, I’d take over that place.

I’d get my hair blown out, like all the ding-dang time,

Like the Housewives of New Jersey! Damn, that show would be all mine.

And I’d get black leather pants for when I walked on the stage.

I’d get a trainer, collagen lips, lipo hips.  I’d cease to age!


And it goes like this, dear friend, you too can be a hotshot.

Chop up some raw chicken, and plop it in a crockpot


Crock Pot, again?!

Boullion, carrots, celery, too,

you can call it chicken stew!


Got salsa and some chopped peppers? Enchilada fixings!

Barbecue sauce and some bulky rolls, voila, pulled chicken!


Veggies, chicken, boullion, Bisquik?

You’ve got chicken dumplings, thisquick!


This is not appetizing…

Onion, garlic, beans, cilantro

And you’ve got white bean chicken chili pronto!

(Well not pronto, it’s in a crockpot, cooking all day

While you drive them, do laundry, change diapers, slave away.

Sure it stinks up the house, it’s not a plan for world peace.

But it beats hot dogs  again, with a side of frozen peas.)

For all this I’d be world famous, I’d be the toast of every ball

people would rethink stay-at-home Moms. I’d have it ALL!

There’d be a movie made. Julia Roberts playing me with pride.

It’d be just like Pretty Woman, Eat, Pray, Love, Runaway Bride!


If I wrote a food blog, that’s how it would go.

Stick chicken in my crockpot, and then enjoy the show.


(A girl can dream…)

11 comments on “If I Wrote a Food Blog, Dreams of a Stay-at-Home Mom

  1. OutmannedMommy
    February 18, 2014

    This is awesome!

    • jgroeber
      February 20, 2014

      Thanks for reading and getting it.
      Crockpot, the universal language. 😉

  2. Winding road
    February 19, 2014

    Fantastic!! So cleverly written and good crock pot tips! Genius 😉

    • jgroeber
      February 20, 2014

      Ha! So glad it made sense to anyone. I was afraid this one was a little out there. Thanks for reading!

  3. Margie S
    February 21, 2014

    So Funny!! LOVE the crockpot, too!

    • jgroeber
      February 24, 2014

      Ha! Who doesn’t love a crockpot? I made sauce with meatballs yesterday. IN THE CROCKPOT! Who knew?!

  4. Michele
    February 21, 2014

    This is fantastic! So creative! I love when you do the rhyming thing!!!

    • jgroeber
      February 22, 2014

      Ha! Thank you. The only way to make a crockpot/frustrated stay-at-home-Mom post interesting may be to rhyme it!

  5. Perfection Pending
    February 24, 2014

    So great! Love this. I wrote a post called 5 reasons I’ll never be a food blogger. I’m trying…because I really do love to cook and have some good recipes, but it’s so hard to make it pretty!!! Love this!!

  6. jgroeber
    February 24, 2014

    I was thinking of that post when I took the photo of the crockpot. I was thinking about how very gross that crockpot full of floating raw chicken looked. Ack. A few weeks later it came to me in rhyme, as these things do. Ha!

  7. ashleyomelia
    March 2, 2014

    Ah the viral dream! I’m just happy when one of my kids doesn’t say something along the lines of, “That’s gross. I don’t want it.”

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This entry was posted on February 18, 2014 by in Surviving Motherhood, These Rhyme!, Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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