Elf on the Shelf: A Poem

Twas the midnight before December and all through the house

There I was tip-toeing, just like a big mouse,

Looking in places you’d never go look

For a cute little fellow that somehow got took.

He was pink of complexion and blue of the eyes

with chestnut brown hair and an air of surprise.

 

Oh, Frosty Bo-Bo-Dee, the elf we hold dear,

Where oh where have you gone? We need you right here!

The children are talking all over the school,

of how their elf has arrived, how he’s so cool.

 

But you, you’d gone missing. POOF! Gone in a flash.

Where had you gone to? To what place had you dashed?

I thought I knew where you hid, while the months ticked away.

Yes, I helped you get there late, late, that fateful day.

It was after the reading and tucking and wrapping,

When everyone else was deep sleeping, dreams mapping.

 

So it was late. I drank a glass of wine. Maybe two.

But I was exhausted, December-beaten, certainly blue!

From the shopping, the drama and cookie baking,

From the frenetic pace and the gifts I was making.

It was Christmas Eve last and the days were so busy

I was dragging, befuddled, perhaps even dizzy.

Yes, maybe I was careless, sleepy, burnt toast,

When I ushered you out, sayonara, adios!

 

To be honest, I don’t mean to make you unhappy,

but I’d always thought your attitude was fairly crappy.

You sat and from way up on high, passed judgement all day

Then off to the North Pole to tattle and play.

La-dee-da, it must have felt so great to be the elf,

Narking on people! Ever take a look at yourself?

With your doofus grin and your spidery limbs

Your shifty eyes, and who’s ever that thin?!

During the holidays no less, sitting on high

Confusing the children. I’m glad that you flied!

 

You effin elfin, good riddance! Be gone!

Our two years together were two years too long!

 

But ah, the dear children. Yes, the children I love,

they wake up every morning and stare up above.

They miss Frosty, they wonder, why hasn’t he come?

They miss you, dear elf. (Even though I know you’re a bum.)

 

So off to Local Store Saturday. I threw myself

on the mercy of the cute toy shop, “Have you seen my elf?”

Then, there, on the top shelf, big price tag, up in the box,

With the eyes of a devil, the grin of a fox.

That kindly, spindly old elf looks vaguely familiar.

“Here’s my American Express, would a free gift bag kill ya?”

 

And lo and behold, Frosty Bo-Bo-Dee returned!

The children are thrilled! Only Mama got burned.

We’ll all smile and celebrate and things will seem fine,

But know this, Frosty… I’m just biding my time.

My day will come. Get ready to eat what you sowed,

For I’m sure that you’ve heard, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Peace out, Frosty.

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